William has drafted the following email message to the HR manager of Hi-Tech Systems, enquiring if the company has a position open for Software Developer. Analyze the message and point out errors that will likely reduce the effectiveness of the communication. Redraft the email by following the tips for effective email messages.
From: willam.chandler@mail.com
To: lily.shafton@hitechsystems.com
Subject: Need help
Hi Lily,
Thank you for your time. I am a graduate in Computer Engineering from the University of Waterloo. I am presently looking for a job as a software developer and am interested in working for Hi-Tech Systems.
I have been following the company for several years now, and IMHO, it is the best place for a fresher in the industry to learn and grow. Hi-Tech Systems has distinguished itself as the company to have filed for the HIGHEST NUMBER OF PATENTS in 2010! It has also been selected as EMPLOYER OF THE YEAR by leading business magazines for four years in a row. I mean, what's not to like?
I passed with honours at Waterloo and received the "MOST PROMISING STUDENT OF THE YEAR" prize at our graduation. I am a good team player, voted leader of my student team.
PFA my résumé. Please let me know if you have a suitable position open for me. I hope to hear from you soon.
Regards,
William Chandler

Errors in the original email that may reduce its effectiveness include:
- Informal language and abbreviations (e.g. "IMHO" instead of "in my humble opinion")
- Overly boastful language about the company and the sender's achievements
- Lack of specific information about the position being sought
- Lack of a clear call to action or next steps

A redrafted email could be as follows:

Subject: Inquiry Regarding Software Developer Position

Dear Ms. Shafton,

I hope this email finds you well. My name is William Chandler, and I recently graduated with a degree in Computer Engineering from the University of Waterloo. I am writing to inquire about any open positions for a software developer at Hi-Tech Systems.

I have been following Hi-Tech Systems for several years and am impressed by the company's reputation for innovation and excellence. I am particularly interested in the opportunity to contribute to a company that values continuous learning and growth.

I have attached my resume for your review. I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss how my skills and experience align with the needs of Hi-Tech Systems. Please let me know if there are any suitable positions available or if there is a preferred application process.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to the possibility of contributing to the success of Hi-Tech Systems.

Sincerely,
William Chandler